Fortune Cookies

Do you believe in signs?

In September, my husband and I went on a date for my birthday. It's a rare thing with 5 kids, that he and I get to spend much alone time together. But thanks to my hubby's wonderful sister and brother-in-law, we did get an entire night without the kids that weekend. The school year had just gotten underway, and we were deep in the throes of some major transitions. I think it had been several months that we had seemingly just been "going through the motions" in our relationship. Overworked, sleep-deprived, still reeling a bit from the loss of my Mother-in-law last August...and we just needed to connect again. That September night at the Mongolian Grill, we sat face-to-face and focused solely on each other (and the crazy great 80's playlist over the restaurant speaker). It was much needed. I felt that tug at my heart. That physically tingly, "I love this guy more than he will ever know." sort of tug. It was awesome. We talked about so much. The kids, our work, our plans for the near future. And we focused a lot on the changes we were making that we were hoping would strengthen our family.

At the end of our meal, we each picked up a fortune cookie. I love getting & reading fortunes. Oftentimes, they are silly and don't have a lot of meaning to me. But occasionally, I get one that I feel is more than just a fun little treat at the end of dinner. Sometimes, they feel like a message that I needed to hear. And I keep those. I already had 2 fortunes tucked away in the clear slot of my wallet that is designated to hold my license. That September night's fortune is now the third.

The first one is from a few year ago that says, "Aim High, Life is Short". There's really no time period in my life that that fortune would not be valid. It is something that was valuable advice at the time, and continues to be profound at every one of life's crazy turns. The second one says, "You will gain more if you save now.", and is a constant reminder to me to be responsible with the blessings that God has poured out for us. Neither my husband or I are great with budgeting or saving. So this one felt important enough for me to use as a tool of sound advice. Finally, the fortune that I received that night in September was quite reflective of the conversation that we were having while we ate. Receiving a fortune that aligned so perfectly with what we discussed, seemed almost like a whisper straight from God. So I kept it.

So imagine my surprise, after writing my last blog post about the traditional family structure, that such an opportunity would present itself to me in the strangest, most subtle, roundabout way...

I have been a mom now for 15-1/2 years. My husband and I have been together for 6-1/2 years. Our kids are 15, 10, 8, 3 and 1-1/2. You can do the math...I was a single mom for many years before I met my husband. I was in two major relationships that were unhealthy, and several other short term relationships that were equally unfulfilling. These relationships were not dangerously unhealthy, just not what I have now. Not mature, secure, adult relationships with respect and honor. I spent a lot of years trying to make excuses for why my partner(s) did not seem satisfied to just be with one woman; why they seemed to enjoy that insecure jealousy they could spark in me with a sideways glance at a pretty girl, or the intentional mention of an ex they maybe kinda sorta still felt the slightest bit of something for. Sadly enough, I really at one time, wanted to marry both of these examples. (Thank GOD for unanswered prayers!)

Anyways, I spent many years being solely responsible for more things than I cared to. Kids, house, money, bills, discipline, maintenance & repairs...all those things that a woman typically wants to share with her soulmate. I have always had to work hard to stay afloat. Raising 3 kids alone is not easy in a world of constant inflation. Daycare was, at one point in my life, taking almost half of my paycheck every month. I spent those years becoming more and more independent. Stronger and more determined; an "I'll-do-it-myself" kind of girl. Which is great, when you have to be that way. But not so great when you end up married to a wonderfully hard-working, traditional man who wants to take care of you. And we struggled greatly with this for the first few years of our togetherness. Hubby admits that he was initially attracted to my independent nature, but that once he really got to know me, it bordered on "almost to a fault". I've worked hard over the past few years to let him in more. To allow myself to be a little more dependent. And to give props where they are due, hubby is the most trustworthy, thoughtful and loyal person I've ever met, and without his honest commitment to me and to our family, I would never have lowered that guard.

But here we are. We do make a great team. When I'm weak, he's strong, when he's got nothing left to give, I step in to lighten the load. We have a good thing going on and I try really hard not to take it for granted. We still have kinks to work out, but we've got our whole lives to do that. So before you all start thinking I'm really off on a tangent and I'm never going to come back around...we ended up entertaining the notion of becoming a single-income family when I got notice that the arrangements I had made at my job to work part time in order to coincide with my kids' new school/homeschool schedule, were being rescinded. They essentially were saying, "You have to go back to 5 days a week or we need to find someone else for the position." Strangely enough, my mind INSTANTLY zeroed in on that fortune I got back in September. I had been really feeling the strain of all of the responsibilities of the kids, house, work, etc. And this apparent ultimatum seemed almost like an invitation. To actually do it. To make my family my highest priority this year.

So...after much discussion and number crunching with the hubby...that's what we are going to do. Focus on the family. My leave-of-absence was approved for the remainder of the school year. In 25 days, my focus becomes a bit more narrow. For the first time in, well...ever, I'll be a full time stay-at-home-mama. We'll see how it goes. :)

Forecast: Cloudy with a chance of chaos

Appearances sometimes can be very misleading. I know that most people don't "have it together" as much as they appear to, but sometimes in watching other moms, I feel like a sad soul, lost & alone in my parenting journey.

I have a front-door-view at my job, and I see parents bringing their kids into our school all day long. I sit in my office, watching them come and go. Most of them seem to come in coolly, as if that morning, their kids got out of bed the first time they asked them to (or better yet, woke themselves up with their OWN alarm clocks?), peacefully chose an outfit from their stacks of neatly-folded name-brand clothing tucked lovingly into their dresser drawers, donned the outfit without an argument, gathered family-style around the table for a nice hot breakfast, piled into the car without a peep about who sits where, and left on time-everyone clean, fed and seemingly, happy. These moms always have their hair done "just-so", their outfits similar to the collections I dreamily pin to my "someday" Pinterest board.

This is a stark contrast to my typical morning routine. Mine usually goes a little more like this: wake up (usually at least 20 minutes late because I stayed up until 1am again doing laundry or dishes or searching for educational supplements on the internet-no, really!), step on dog when getting out of bed, start waking up kids, fight screaming toddlers off my leg in order to get a shower, open shower door no less than 5 times to make sure toddlers aren't splashing in the toilet or digging my feminine hygiene products out of the garbage, get out, throw on a T-shirt circa 1998 and a pair of jeans from the floor (which...I think maybe smells a little like dog...ah well, that's what body spray is for right?), continue waking up older kids, pop some bread in the toaster, brush hair, yell at kids "Get up right now, we have to leave in 15 minutes!", start dressing toddlers (or maybe, just maybe, sometimes they just go to daycare in jammies...who knows?), make a mental note to get up earlier tomorrow so I have time to tame princess's crazy, curly locks, respond to requests of "Where's my ______ shirt?", "I need socks!", "Have you seen my backpack?", "Where's my shoes?" (as if I was the last one to wear/use any of the previous...) We then start outside, returning to the door at least twice to put the dog back inside after certain little people follow me outside without shutting the door. Referee kids fighting over who will sit in front. Finally cram into the overcrowded truck, wait 5 minutes for "The-World-Revolves-Around-Me-Teenager" to emerge, and finally, anywhere from 5-20 minutes late, we leave the driveway. Only to run into five crews of road construction between our house and daycare, and putter behind a bus or two between daycare and school/work. Do makeup at red lights. Listen to kids complain about all the homework they had (read: didn't finish) last night. Remember toast only after we have arrived at school/work.

Rinse. Repeat.

But every once in a while, I see a mom like me. A mom who is frantically juggling a hungry infant, a wailing toddler, a couple 'tweeners, and a teenager with a perma-frown. That's the mom I'd like to go to lunch with, because I know that even if we didn't know each other before that moment, we could share billions of horror stories about parenting that the other would appreciate, and we'd end up as BFF's who call each other no less than 3 times a day, just to get sympathy from someone who understands.

If I'm being realistic, I know that it's likely that those moms who appear to have it all together, probably really did have mornings similar to mine, and I'm just missing the more subtle clues: the sideways glare at the mouthy teen or the inside-arm-pinch of the nine-year-old who was picking on his little sister. But as I sit at my desk and watch these comings and goings, I begin to wonder why I feel so inadequate. Surely I'm not that bad of a parent? My kids climb on my lap to snuggle with me during those rare opportunities that I actually get to sit & watch 10 minutes of my favorite show (Wheel of Fortune; I'm a wild one I tell you.). They want mom when they're sick or hurt. They smile. They laugh. They want to go on individual "date nights" with my husband & I. They tell me they love me. They (sometimes) love each other. They don't smoke, drink, do drugs, have sex, bully other kids at school, physically harm themselves or others...Poorly parented children don't fit that bill, do they?

I've thought a lot about my failures. I make a lot of mistakes. Trust me...A LOT. (Just ask my husband.) ;) I own up to (most of) them. I try to use mistakes to drive me forward, to teach me discipline and humility, and to hone my skills. I'm not a person who is prone to pessimism or depression. But I feel like I'm under a really dark cloud lately. Is it because I am trying to take on too much? Homeschooling, working part time, being there for my family (think: grocery shopping, house cleaning, doctors/dentist/ortho appointments, vet visits, homework, extracurricular activities)...it definitely is a lot to juggle. But something inside me is pointing me in a different direction. A much more gut-wrenching and helpless direction. It's pointing me towards societal expectations. I'm not a feminist by any stretch of the imagination, but I am a woman who enjoys having a career and contributing financially to my family's well-being. It feels good to be appreciated for my ideas and my hard work & dedication to the company. I love to brainstorm and to be a contributor to a team of adults. I love to watch concepts develop into something tangible. And while I am not trying to devalue the feel-good moment when that "light bulb" goes off in my children and something we've been working on finally "clicks", or the accomplished satisfaction I feel when I've put that last piece of dirty clothing away, or that gratification of watching my family sit down at the table for a hot, homemade dinner together just as my husband walks in the door from work, it's just...different.

With all of that said, here is my deep-down, center-of-my-soul confession about all of this. Feminism and consumerism have really F'd up our family system. I didn't live in the 40's and 50's, when moms were home and in charge of the house and the kids, and dads worked and paid all the bills, so I can't technically claim to know this for sure, but I do have a 73 year old mother who did live in those times, and we have talked extensively about the horribly blurred lines when it comes to today's gender-roles. Lines that are becoming so blurry that nobody knows where they really fit in anymore.

That traditional mom-at-home, dad-at-work family structure is becoming obsolete. And in my opinion, that is a sad, sad shame. Instead of our kids coming home from school to mom's hugs, fresh-baked cookies and neighborhood bike rides with a group of friends, they come home to a cold, empty house, grab something processed and packaged to snack on, turn on the TV or game system, and disappear into a fantasy world of violence and profanity. And instead of husbands coming home to a healthy, homemade meal in appreciation for their stressful day at work, they come home to a stressed-out wife who picked up KFC on the way home because she's trying to juggle way too much and doesn't have the time to or energy nourish her family with healthy food choices. Ultimately, this results in a husband who feels like a failure as a provider because his wife works outside of the home, not really because she has to, but mostly just so that they can keep up with the Joneses...

Which brings me to my next little rant:

Consumerism. Why do we have such a strong urge to showcase our status by displaying things? And is this really painting a true picture of our lives and our motivations? Are we such a sad society that we are driven to hoard material goods as a means of boosting our self esteem? (ie: if we have a lot of things, then we must make good money and therefore must be worth more as a person than the person with less...) I saw an interview on Ellen the other day that struck me very interesting, and aligned significantly with the things I've had on my mind lately. Shailene Woodley and her suitcase. I know it's partly that she's young, and she's figuring things out, and she's just in that "traveling light" phase in her life. But I think she is really onto something. And it's something that my hubby and I have talked about extensively over the past year or so.

We have talked about how we often feel buried in things. And by that I don't just mean physically buried, but also, emotionally buried. We often work extra hours just to pay for our things, we are constantly cleaning and organizing our things at home. (With a slew of kids, it's not hard to imagine how much time it can take to maintain everyone's things.) It's overwhelming. And, every once in a while, I hit that wall. That "GET RID OF IT ALL!" wall. And I mean it. During those purge-fests, I often make several trips to second hand stores. The obvious benefit to traveling light (minimalism) is that you don't have so many things to maintain. Or pay for. But when you have kids, it goes into an even deeper dimension. The words that come to my mind are: appreciation, gratitude, inventiveness, and imagination. I know it seems extreme, but think about when you go camping. You bring necessities. Food, shelter, a couple days' worth of clothing, a small pack of hygiene items, a few first aid essentials, and maybe a game or two to play if you get bored. But other than that...the kids explore. They make up games. They tell stories. They build things out of sticks and grass and rocks. And those things are, in that moment, castles and characters and all things creative. THOSE, to me, are the building blocks of an amazing childhood; the things they truly end up valuing. Those are the memories that are talked about at the dinner table long after my husband & I are gone. Not the most recent version of whatever game system they're charging $400 for! Not the newest $600 iPhone. And certainly not that houseful of "things" they were surrounded by as kids.

In all our efforts to give today's generation everything they "need", (which is, first of all, a ridiculous notion to entertain...the world will forever tell our kids NO. We are doing them a major disservice if we cater to their every whim) we are robbing them of their creativity, their inventiveness, their interaction...their childhood.

So. Dual working families, men and women who feel torn in every direction, shifting our kids' idea of "luxuries" to "necessities", keeping up with the Joneses...It's sad to me. So very very sad. So then...what am I gonna do about it???

I'm crazy

I hate to start out with such a heavy post on my new blog, but let's just get right down to it. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I shouldn't say that, because I am fulfilling a dream that is about 3 years in the making. Except that now that I'm doing it...it feels more like a nightmare.

I chose this year to pull my kids out of public school and teach them at home.

And it...IS...HARD. What's sad about that statement is that I'm not even teaching them 100% myself. They still take a couple classes at our local Homeschool Link program. So I'm only footing about half the responsibility. I felt that it would be a good transition, to keep one foot in an actual schoolhouse and the other in our home. Perhaps it would have been better to just yank that bandaid off in one full swoop?

My visions of all 6 of us gathered together on the living room floor, pondering over a pile of rich, history-laden books, or all of the littles sitting at the table, waiting with baited breath for my next teaching topic...are dying a cold, hard death.

Instead, I'm begging for attention, pleading to get through JUST. THIS. ONE. SUBJECT. Please, before noon, kids???

Sigh. I got what I wanted, except that what I wanted is not what I've got. Isn't that the American Truth?

There are a few problems here, as I see it.

First, I'm disorganized. I had to beg my hubby for some kid-free weekend time this summer to get my planning done (and let me tell you, my Type-A personality was really feeling the squeeze when the end of August rolled around and I still hadn't finished my Long Range Plan), and when I did finally get that time, I sat so long in front of the computer that my eyeballs started burning. I got that sucker done, but wow...there is so much more to it than that, and I never really did get everything done that I felt like I wanted/needed to. Teachers must be some of the most organized people on the planet.

Second, I have a 20 month old and a newly-turned 3 year old. 'Nuff said, if you ask me. But if I must elaborate, well, Little C is deeee-man-ding of my time right now, and Princess M is going through a major diva phase. One on the leg and one on the hip makes it kind of hard to efficiently teach Mister M (10) and Dude W (8) much of anything. Anything, that is, except a healthy appreciation for birth control.

Finally, I am still working. And this, in my opinion, is my biggest roadblock to being successful in this "dream" (ha). I am feeling very inadequate in not just one area of my life, but many. Failing at one thing (at a time) is something I can handle with ease. I am a firm believer that failures push you to try again and teach you how to succeed when you do try again. But when you feel like you are failing at multiple things at once...well, that's a lot to shoulder. And it's keeping me up at night. Thus, the blog title "Momsomniac".

I seriously lay awake until 1am most nights, thinking about how bad I suck. About how terrible of a job I'm doing. About how out of line I was for the raised voice (ok, who am I kidding...for the yelling) I did that day. About how blissful it would be to get in my car, alone. And just keep on driving. Driving until I reach that one-horse town where everybody knows everybody, but nobody knows me...That town where I'm just that frazzled blonde woman who mysteriously appeared in the middle of the night. Where I'm not Mom or Wife or Worker. And then, slowly, with a Cold Case rerun playing in the background, I start to doze off. And I wake up in a few hours and do it all over again.

I do feel like being linked to the public school system still, is creating some pressure to get certain things done for our consulting appointments, to teach in line with what the school district is teaching...but that's a major part of why I chose to hs in the first place! Because *I* wanted to be in charge of their education, not the school district. I wanted to let them develop their own interests, and learn in a more physical way. I researched a LOT over the past 3 years about homeschooling and the way that kids learn. I have 4 boys. I know a little bit about their need to wiggle. And get their hands dirty. And problem solve in unique, boy-like ways. And *THAT* is what I want them to be able to do. Clearly they are not going to get that in our "sit-still-listen-up" public institutions.

I love the model of our local Homeschool Link program. It's where I work, in fact. Our principal is big on fostering a multigenerational environment. I think it is the most awesome thing to see moms with toddlers sitting in the back of their high-schooler's classroom. Or grandmas and grandpas helping build cardboard castles in a culture-based unit study class. It's just an amazing model, and I love it. Though I want to school them at home, I appreciate this program enough that I also really want my kids to be a part of that. I feel like a wishy-washy whiner.

With that said, it's time for me to go lay in bed & scold myself for the day's mishaps. :)