I hate to start out with such a heavy post on my new blog, but let's just get right down to it. I am overwhelmed. I feel like I shouldn't say that, because I am fulfilling a dream that is about 3 years in the making. Except that now that I'm doing it...it feels more like a nightmare.
I chose this year to pull my kids out of public school and teach them at home.
And it...IS...HARD. What's sad about that statement is that I'm not even teaching them 100% myself. They still take a couple classes at our local Homeschool Link program. So I'm only footing about half the responsibility. I felt that it would be a good transition, to keep one foot in an actual schoolhouse and the other in our home. Perhaps it would have been better to just yank that bandaid off in one full swoop?
My visions of all 6 of us gathered together on the living room floor, pondering over a pile of rich, history-laden books, or all of the littles sitting at the table, waiting with baited breath for my next teaching topic...are dying a cold, hard death.
Instead, I'm begging for attention, pleading to get through JUST. THIS. ONE. SUBJECT. Please, before noon, kids???
Sigh. I got what I wanted, except that what I wanted is not what I've got. Isn't that the American Truth?
There are a few problems here, as I see it.
First, I'm disorganized. I had to beg my hubby for some kid-free weekend time this summer to get my planning done (and let me tell you, my Type-A personality was really feeling the squeeze when the end of August rolled around and I still hadn't finished my Long Range Plan), and when I did finally get that time, I sat so long in front of the computer that my eyeballs started burning. I got that sucker done, but wow...there is so much more to it than that, and I never really did get everything done that I felt like I wanted/needed to. Teachers must be some of the most organized people on the planet.
Second, I have a 20 month old and a newly-turned 3 year old. 'Nuff said, if you ask me. But if I must elaborate, well, Little C is deeee-man-ding of my time right now, and Princess M is going through a major diva phase. One on the leg and one on the hip makes it kind of hard to efficiently teach Mister M (10) and Dude W (8) much of anything. Anything, that is, except a healthy appreciation for birth control.
Finally, I am still working. And this, in my opinion, is my biggest roadblock to being successful in this "dream" (ha). I am feeling very inadequate in not just one area of my life, but many. Failing at one thing (at a time) is something I can handle with ease. I am a firm believer that failures push you to try again and teach you how to succeed when you do try again. But when you feel like you are failing at multiple things at once...well, that's a lot to shoulder. And it's keeping me up at night. Thus, the blog title "Momsomniac".
I seriously lay awake until 1am most nights, thinking about how bad I suck. About how terrible of a job I'm doing. About how out of line I was for the raised voice (ok, who am I kidding...for the yelling) I did that day. About how blissful it would be to get in my car, alone. And just keep on driving. Driving until I reach that one-horse town where everybody knows everybody, but nobody knows me...That town where I'm just that frazzled blonde woman who mysteriously appeared in the middle of the night. Where I'm not Mom or Wife or Worker. And then, slowly, with a Cold Case rerun playing in the background, I start to doze off. And I wake up in a few hours and do it all over again.
I do feel like being linked to the public school system still, is creating some pressure to get certain things done for our consulting appointments, to teach in line with what the school district is teaching...but that's a major part of why I chose to hs in the first place! Because *I* wanted to be in charge of their education, not the school district. I wanted to let them develop their own interests, and learn in a more physical way. I researched a LOT over the past 3 years about homeschooling and the way that kids learn. I have 4 boys. I know a little bit about their need to wiggle. And get their hands dirty. And problem solve in unique, boy-like ways. And *THAT* is what I want them to be able to do. Clearly they are not going to get that in our "sit-still-listen-up" public institutions.
I love the model of our local Homeschool Link program. It's where I work, in fact. Our principal is big on fostering a multigenerational environment. I think it is the most awesome thing to see moms with toddlers sitting in the back of their high-schooler's classroom. Or grandmas and grandpas helping build cardboard castles in a culture-based unit study class. It's just an amazing model, and I love it. Though I want to school them at home, I appreciate this program enough that I also really want my kids to be a part of that. I feel like a wishy-washy whiner.
With that said, it's time for me to go lay in bed & scold myself for the day's mishaps. :)
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