In September, my husband and I went on a date for my birthday. It's a rare thing with 5 kids, that he and I get to spend much alone time together. But thanks to my hubby's wonderful sister and brother-in-law, we did get an entire night without the kids that weekend. The school year had just gotten underway, and we were deep in the throes of some major transitions. I think it had been several months that we had seemingly just been "going through the motions" in our relationship. Overworked, sleep-deprived, still reeling a bit from the loss of my Mother-in-law last August...and we just needed to connect again. That September night at the Mongolian Grill, we sat face-to-face and focused solely on each other (and the crazy great 80's playlist over the restaurant speaker). It was much needed. I felt that tug at my heart. That physically tingly, "I love this guy more than he will ever know." sort of tug. It was awesome. We talked about so much. The kids, our work, our plans for the near future. And we focused a lot on the changes we were making that we were hoping would strengthen our family.
At the end of our meal, we each picked up a fortune cookie. I love getting & reading fortunes. Oftentimes, they are silly and don't have a lot of meaning to me. But occasionally, I get one that I feel is more than just a fun little treat at the end of dinner. Sometimes, they feel like a message that I needed to hear. And I keep those. I already had 2 fortunes tucked away in the clear slot of my wallet that is designated to hold my license. That September night's fortune is now the third.
The first one is from a few year ago that says, "Aim High, Life is Short". There's really no time period in my life that that fortune would not be valid. It is something that was valuable advice at the time, and continues to be profound at every one of life's crazy turns. The second one says, "You will gain more if you save now.", and is a constant reminder to me to be responsible with the blessings that God has poured out for us. Neither my husband or I are great with budgeting or saving. So this one felt important enough for me to use as a tool of sound advice. Finally, the fortune that I received that night in September was quite reflective of the conversation that we were having while we ate. Receiving a fortune that aligned so perfectly with what we discussed, seemed almost like a whisper straight from God. So I kept it.
So imagine my surprise, after writing my last blog post about the traditional family structure, that such an opportunity would present itself to me in the strangest, most subtle, roundabout way...
I have been a mom now for 15-1/2 years. My husband and I have been together for 6-1/2 years. Our kids are 15, 10, 8, 3 and 1-1/2. You can do the math...I was a single mom for many years before I met my husband. I was in two major relationships that were unhealthy, and several other short term relationships that were equally unfulfilling. These relationships were not dangerously unhealthy, just not what I have now. Not mature, secure, adult relationships with respect and honor. I spent a lot of years trying to make excuses for why my partner(s) did not seem satisfied to just be with one woman; why they seemed to enjoy that insecure jealousy they could spark in me with a sideways glance at a pretty girl, or the intentional mention of an ex they maybe kinda sorta still felt the slightest bit of something for. Sadly enough, I really at one time, wanted to marry both of these examples. (Thank GOD for unanswered prayers!)
Anyways, I spent many years being solely responsible for more things than I cared to. Kids, house, money, bills, discipline, maintenance & repairs...all those things that a woman typically wants to share with her soulmate. I have always had to work hard to stay afloat. Raising 3 kids alone is not easy in a world of constant inflation. Daycare was, at one point in my life, taking almost half of my paycheck every month. I spent those years becoming more and more independent. Stronger and more determined; an "I'll-do-it-myself" kind of girl. Which is great, when you have to be that way. But not so great when you end up married to a wonderfully hard-working, traditional man who wants to take care of you. And we struggled greatly with this for the first few years of our togetherness. Hubby admits that he was initially attracted to my independent nature, but that once he really got to know me, it bordered on "almost to a fault". I've worked hard over the past few years to let him in more. To allow myself to be a little more dependent. And to give props where they are due, hubby is the most trustworthy, thoughtful and loyal person I've ever met, and without his honest commitment to me and to our family, I would never have lowered that guard.
But here we are. We do make a great team. When I'm weak, he's strong, when he's got nothing left to give, I step in to lighten the load. We have a good thing going on and I try really hard not to take it for granted. We still have kinks to work out, but we've got our whole lives to do that. So before you all start thinking I'm really off on a tangent and I'm never going to come back around...we ended up entertaining the notion of becoming a single-income family when I got notice that the arrangements I had made at my job to work part time in order to coincide with my kids' new school/homeschool schedule, were being rescinded. They essentially were saying, "You have to go back to 5 days a week or we need to find someone else for the position." Strangely enough, my mind INSTANTLY zeroed in on that fortune I got back in September. I had been really feeling the strain of all of the responsibilities of the kids, house, work, etc. And this apparent ultimatum seemed almost like an invitation. To actually do it. To make my family my highest priority this year.
So...after much discussion and number crunching with the hubby...that's what we are going to do. Focus on the family. My leave-of-absence was approved for the remainder of the school year. In 25 days, my focus becomes a bit more narrow. For the first time in, well...ever, I'll be a full time stay-at-home-mama. We'll see how it goes. :)
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